#6 - Parenting
Another week of Jinn's Newsletter - 3 parenting parallels.
And if you have preferences, share with me in the anonymous feedback! Helps me focus on what could be helpful.
Framing
How to Parent 101
Just kidding. In what world is anyone ever an expert at that?
When my eldest was born, one question did pop up (classic self-coaching): What kind of parent do I want to be?
The options:
What’s been done before. Yeah, that’s there. I’ll try not to paint stereotypes into your imagination. Asian parents. Ah, too late.
What’s trendy now. Gentle parenting! Sunshine, optimism, no mistakes… cue entitlement..
Future-proofing. Who has a crystal ball.
So why even judge myself against some timeline or trend?
Then, who do I want to be as a parent? (Insert some serious thought here)
...a role model.
And once I had that, the litmus test was simple: What would I do if I were a role model?
That question doesn’t stop at parenting. Swap “parent” for leader, partner, teammate.
Use the mirror.
The theft
Conceptually, I have the vision for my parenting.
“Kiddos, be kind to others, be kind to yourselves, growth mindset when things get tough.”
And then… the distraction.
“Oh look at how they parent. Look at how well-behaved their kid is. Look at how quickly they’re learning, how attentively they listen to the teacher. What the hell am I doing?”
A solid dose of comparison thieving my joy.
And I see myself doing it.
My boys are learning from me. Do I want them to learn envy or self-acceptance. Do I want them to be grasping at other people’s standards, or grounded in their own.
Parenting. Careers. Change. Same traps. Same lesson.
We’re all running our own race, making different choices.
How do you stay in your own race?
Control
The illusion.
Just trying to get out the door. Just trying to get to bed on time.
Works when the expectation is of myself. (ok, most of the time!)
On my kids though?
Gladiators ready.
I want control. My ego wants control. Sometimes it “works”... at what cost?
Definitely not role-model material.
Pause. Breathe. Step out of the stadium.
We’re the only players. They’re also keen observers.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I need to reset.
What do you need, how can we work this out?
What’s the consequence if this doesn't happen, what options do you have?
The goal isn’t to hit my expectations, it’s to build the standards together.
Beyond parenting, the veil of control can confuse. People, projects, leadership.
What’s the real outcome you want for this relationship? What can you control to move towards a project goal?
The things you can’t control, how do you want to respond?
The rest is noise.
